Sunday, December 26, 2004

 

251204, 1015hrs

many feelings. i’ll dump them here and censor accordingly before finding an internet connection to put them up on the blog. i’m sitting in my bunk now, just taken over duty a short 2.5 hrs ago. i’m not using the inet room to blog directly cos kenneth set a ruling that only ccis personnel can draw the key, and i dun think i’d want to violate that.

yesterday was our carolling session. as planned along the way, the six of us executed the five songs four times. surprisingly they can last about 15 min each session, but we quickly learnt how we can tire from these songs. even with the 45 mins in between each session, most of us still found our throats dry, and matt in particular had problems with losing hydration. in the end he took to drinking on stage. no prob. i am particularly pleased that between matt and me we more or less got what he talked about the other day. hurray for the rythmn and beat section. lol.

at night we popped over to matt’s house, the five of us. at first there was some confusion on whether matt would be called back to camp to do guard duty but in the end all was silent so we were happy. bx went home to get his xbox while qiying matt juncai and me sat around the place waiting for him to start dinner. turns out that he had a change of clothes and also a quick shower. basket. the feast was an amazing spread, as the five of us sat at the table completely covered with dishes. of course, we never really finished it all. imagine that there were still a couple of dishes not on the dish due to the lack of space.

all was not alright within me so i started to pop questions at people. while qiying was easy to ask while waiting for bx, the initial plan of making bx drink like five glasses before popping the question did not really materialise as he stopped after the first glass. eventually i did not reach bx, but i did ask the other three. and so it is. why are we always so scared of even telling each other? as matt puts it, 8 years. are we just unsure of the state of matters or simply do not want to overplay things? the symphony has already gone beyond limits of noise and disorder, so to me it doesn’t really matter. anything will do. and I hope that in the least we as friends can give you our blessings.

i am very tired now(and probably making less and less sense) because we played doa2 until 630am, and in between i had a few close combat sessions with jc. it was all very tiring and difficult to sleep. matt went off at night to send qy home and settle some stuff, and it actually took until like 3 or 4 before he came back, after which he collapsed on his bed (which I was sleeping in) eventually i got out of the bed, since anyway we’ve got to go soon. i left before matt got up and while jc was still in the toilet (in case you two were wondering when i left)

i actually wanted to share something earlier on. to me, christmas is a season of kindness, purity, romance, and i guess in that sense, everything good. each year at christmas i enjoy my carols, envy at the couples strolling across the places i go, and in general enjoy the peaceful atmosphere in the air. yet it’ll always remind me that by normal socially accepted standards i’m still lacking in one area. basket. fortunately for me at times like this there's still music.

some time ago i overheard a question that i havent heard for some time. why cowzy? back In early secondary school days i used the nick “crazy” after adding the “r(a)” to my initials. At that stage of my life, i was, rather literally, worthy of being censored for the good of the public, in many senses of the word. after i went into upper sec, some lower sec kid came over to my class and commented how nonsensical the nick was, and so i seeked another alternative. i found it in its present form. ow. unfortunately, i frequently find use for this exclaimation, although i try my best not to use it for anything other than physical pain, which is why you may not hear so much of it, but if I’m the kind that’s brave enough to say it here then maybe some people will notice.

(censored heavily) for now, i’m living on future hope. the hope that i can be a filial son and do my part for the family, although it seems that i might not be able to fulfill everything that a son ought to.

but i’ve tried. and if i do not eventually succeed, sorry mum and dad.

2255hrs

i’m not attached.

surprisingly, quite a handful of guys in my unit seems to have the idea that i am. it’s sort of weird cos i have no idea what gave them the idea. i dun stay out. i go for dinner with mainly kenneth or the specs. i volunteer for duty on important holidays. the most important thing to me on 14 feb is kenneth's birthday. i study music on saturday evenings (although i think they might not have realised yet) i spend quite a portion of my freetime in the office, even at night (as in wow, night.) i dun usually chat on the phone for very long, unless it’s ljc. i frequently assault those in my company who are attached, just for fun. what the hell did i do that makes people think i’m attached??

yet through studying regular patterns of my life i think i’ve one conclusion. i seem to have some sort of necessity for taking care of people. it may have something to do with being a idealistic perfectionist, that whatever that seems fragile must be taken care of. whatever that seems wrong must be corrected, and if not already done, its temptations resisted. through my unfortunately lonely 20 years of life it seems that i never really met a special someone yet. whatever i thought might have been the one has so far turned out to be another of my need-to-take-care cases. it’s weird. or maybe there’s some sort of really thin line between the two. but whatever it is, i’m not attached. or at least for now.

over another long sms exchange with jc, it was concluded that i am in a rather optimistic mood today. i told jc that i got hit in the back of my head last night but i dun think he knows what i meant. it was also funny to hear his wild concepts of a very special bday present from the guys. i dun think it’ll happen. in any case there’s only so much we as friends can help. after that, there’s nothing much for us except acceptance, which i guess is still pretty important. for you guys, i think i can accept almost anything. even if -it- happens again. heh.

261204, 1030hrs.

back at home. finally updated myself on the net. orh. hee =)
i actually wanted to mention a mail from caas. looks like they think i'm still a good 18yrs old, just finished my a levels. "application are open after 'a' levels results are released" laugh. nope sorry. while talking to jc on the line i decided it's not what i want, although probably it may be good for someone else, someone with an interest in this sort of thing.

i'm currently practising the art of patience. i think i will also throw in a bit of self control if i can. the two previous blogs will thus be "censored" for the good of all mankind unfortunate enough to read this. and jc's bday is coming! must check with bx if we're getting anything for him =P

Zhengyu wrote at 10:29 AM.