Sunday, October 26, 2003

 

boing. hey matt, i think if you've read this you will probably also hear close to all i have to say that night in istana park. nvm lah hor, i said before i would choose to keep silent, so i never said it directly. lol.

i feel like playing some basketball. nevermind that i'm quite the tired, just came back from compasspoint with sis (spent money again... ice wind dale) i think there's ppl at the court downstairs so probably wun play in the end.

a friend remarked yesterday that i've been online quite alot. yah. i'm quite the dunno what else to do. at least on line anything can happen, like i have this guy from china talking to me although i really dunno what he's saying half the time unless he types chinese, and he has no idea what gtg or being physically absent means. well... it's a little better than calling jc up so that he has to hold the phone when he plays his wc3. i dunno.

there's this mail my friend sent, very sweet. talks about finding the perfection in an imperfection (aka normal) person. but erm... it's all a matter of perspective. it's easy to see imperfection in a normal person too. it's scary.

Zhengyu wrote at 3:08 PM.

 

I forgot to mention something. a friend asked me before, what would i do if the girl i liked was attached (which happened to be the case) i guess i'll pack up and go. so dun mind me, dun mind me wondering if i should be going already, and if i can ever be sure of what she might be thinking then maye i'll get somewhere. if i have to go though, sometimes i have to be told, else i'll still be hanging there halfway in between going and stoning.

i told you i'm doubtful.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:12 AM.

 

i think i havent talked about it before. i know i've complained about my friends refusing to admit they are attached, but i dun think i've talked about myself. so we're not much different, huh.

i probably can say i've been like these for quite a while, hoping for a romance or something, and i wun go into detail about the earlier part of my life, which was anyhow rather childish. towards the recent years i started to think about the future. there's this great plan i once told my sis about. stay single, work in school all day (like my sec 4 chinese teacher, she was really dedicated), come home late, maybe pick up dinner on the way home or fix something for myself. then go sleep. in essence, spend my life outside and concentrate fully on my work. everything works out fine except for a few fatal flaws. firstly, who would look after my parents, assuming my sis gets married after a few years. secondly, i find it hard to just be content without finding a soulmate (preferably of the opp. gender, i already have a handful of male soulmates.) so there it is, a plan that i hope doesnt really work out.

but it seems like it's fated to be or something. er not counting the minor ones, i spent my jc life daydreaming about 3 different girls. the first was quite a complex case, anyhow there was some ac element in the whole story so i'd say let's skip the story. so there came a second, who was simply unfortunate because she happened to be there when i gave up on the first. sad to say. but she really didnt have the intention, as far as i could tell within the following 6mths? maybe more, i cant really remember, and i dun really like those days of singing very sad songs and realising my own emotions have peaked the intensity of the song. for about 3 mths i told myself it wasnt the time to think about this kind of stuff. i was j2 after all, and i wanted (after a very distracted promos) very badly to start the new year afresh and just study and not daydream. 3 mths later i officially failed. but i said well then it's not so bad, cos there's a catch in this last one. that she wasnt even in my school, and by the looks of it she'll get attached pretty soon, somewhere out there. but as i said before ppl refuse to talk about this sort of thing, so i didnt ask. the last one has somehow managed to survive until now, partially because i kept thinking it's not possible anyway, partially because i never really found anyone else. (which was good. i did my a's in peace.) In the meanwhile i found learning many things distracting enough to keep my mind occupied most of the time.

now i have to doubt myself all over again. i quote from a horoscope (nvm that it's i think a women's page.)
"You'll find that love with a Leo is like no other love...and when they decide to give you their heart....they also give you every inch of their soul. In this lies the Leo vulnerability....when their trust is broken they crumble. They, again, base their own self judgements on those they adore. Take away the loved one...and you've taken away their own identity in many ways. When Leos feel let down (and it usually takes a great deal) they either fall into an abyss of pain and depression..or they get utterly cold and without feeling. The lion in protective mode."
Maybe it's true. but i dunno what i can do about it. i know i'm very doubtful of myself in this field, but i find it even more disturbing that i cannot even communicate properly my own feelings and emotions. i really dunno. maybe i dun really know what i really want of this relationship. maybe this is not the time to talk about it, maybe we should concentrate on our work first, exams are important after all.

i dunno if i should be talking about this at all. society depicts it as some sacred knowledge that cannot be spoken. but i guess posting this up can help me calm down a little, or it may make me regret for a good long time. this is also why i hate to gamble. i'm waiting to see which would it be... time will tell.

Zhengyu wrote at 1:41 AM.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

 

hai, typed out the blog in chinese just now but it couldnt publish properly. nvm, i'll try english then.

recently i've had a lot to say. despite spending alot more time with my group of friends than usual, i still reserved some things to myself. nvm that i wanted to tell matt, i couldnt really say it face to face.

i believe that when everything's not going right, my friends will be there to render their support, that i'll never be alone. I believe that when matters of the heart go wrong, i can still fall back to my friends, and that they'll listen to my sorrows and share my troubles. I believe that no matter how many girlfriends they have, we'll still hold a special place in each other's heart. I believe that one day they'll understand why i'm looking more and more troubled by the day, but always refusing to share what is the matter. I believe that one day they'll also understand why i dun find the usual teasing as funny as before, and i'm taking it more and more seriously. I believe that people like jc will believe what i said was true, and i'm not kidding. I believe that they'll take me for what i've been to them, the same through the years, and not take me any differently just because i went to somewhere else that they dun go to. I believe that they'll be there, be it rain or shine, night or day.

That's why i know, i'll never be alone. thank you, people, and i'll try to do the same for you too.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:09 PM.

Friday, October 24, 2003

 

hm. recently my friends dun seem so well. wonder why.

had another hot debating session with jc today at matt's place. despite er countless teases by jc i still think we're missing the point. it's probably not where we think it is. or maybe it was there but er guess it shifted away when we werent looking. i think it's gone off somewhere else. maybe he should look for it too, at least for my sake, cos i think it's gone but he insists it's always been there since er sec 2? these things happen all the time dun they? some more matt mostly sides with jc... not fair! matt ah, you should tell jc to fristly stop teasing me cos it's out of point, and secondly act a bit more normal (relative to the general public)

anyhow we were all late for the gathering today (stunning.) by about an hour ++ heh. went with sis for breakfast lah. then somemore lost my way on the sengkang LRT... pathetic... we played like 4p vs com on winning eleven, damn funny, some how jc always kena many yellow cards. we tried to take on the com with china vs usa, kena thrashed. nigeria vs usa also kena thrashed. then we stopped for lunch, matt's mum and sis prepared some dishes for us, not bad, esp the toufu thingy but er it had prawns inside and i'm not a fantastic fan of prawns. after lunch we finally won with columbia-usa, 2-1 i think. wah... it was basically damn funny throughout lor. but after that we played a bit more, wwe and etc, and bx had to go meet his friends for badminton. oh yah bx passed out two days ago... not bad sia time flies. 8 more weeks for me. the exact day changed again to somewhere from 28 to 30 jan. what the...

tomorrow probably got rv. should be going to enjoy myself. so far havent heard much from the alumni except yang2 yechao and zhengfei. dunno lah... must have forgotten to do something, else ppl should normally reply one... hai.

i think i am a bit the lost in my life, sometimes i really dunno what's going on. it's aint so bad if i dun think about it though, everything just go on like clockwork. it's only disturbing when i slow down and wonder why.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:25 PM.

 

argh. kena whacked twice already. nvm, it's better relief than sitting down and thinking about too many things. bx playing badminton tomorrow, dun think i'll join him, dun feel like playing badminton. braindead. haiiiiii...

missed a beat there.

talking to weemz, amazing med ppl have all kinds of life. like party after every ca, isnt that a little expensive. like er behaving weird in lecture, i cant imagine. i guess freedom can be used in alot of different ways, and maybe too much of it is getting a little dangerous. something is very wrong with our society.

Zhengyu wrote at 3:04 AM.

 

whoa. almost at duriel. =P

anyhow long weekend, poor buddy kena sabo, still doing guard duty now =( after booking out just now i went to meet up with gerri, had a chat at starbucks but it was around 5 degrees celsius there. was freezing like mad. got jc's cd back! after so many months of hearing him nag and nag, finally got something done. should give him a good kick in the butt too.

tomorrow going matt's place... qiying happens to be leaving for exercise tomorrow. and brilliant jc found out today then he pretended that i was supposed to go find out. bleah. talked to qy on icq just now, until i left to er play d2 and then i came back and realised oops he wasnt done talking. alamak. now have to wait 2 weeks for him to come back, by then i can get ready to go liao... sigh.

Zhengyu wrote at 12:49 AM.

Monday, October 20, 2003

 

argh. last day for the luxury to type. yesterday i planned to go to the library, do my work, stop around 2.30 to move over to esplanade, and then return to the library at the end of the show. sounds hectic right. which was why in the end i simply stayed in the library until 4, find myself falling asleep half the time without even realising it, then finally gave up and went to ps to eat my lunch. lucky got mos burger. the person was quite amused because i had no idea how to pronounce croquette or whatever it was. i still dun have any idea. met up with matt and jc from there, then we decided to go walk around, so first marks and spencer then they started complaining everything's too expensive so in the end we went over to carrefour, which had lots of tempting stuff but not very the cheap either. oh yah matt had got a free budak cd, lol, the last one some more. anyway jc wanted to save my money and so only matt bought like 5 bucks of food. by then was already 6 so jc had to go, although we did spend like a good 15 mins standing there in front of the mrt entrance. mm planning for a gathering come friday.

Matt and I went to Istana park to sit around for a while (btw why are all the seats like 2 seaters. hmhm) there was this couple not too far from us and we concluded that they were desperately waiting for us to leave. anyhow we hung around till it was dark. I'm glad that matt told me about it, i realise that i like to listen to them talk about stuff, and it's sort of like a sign of trust to me. nvm that i never told them much except for jc who needs a good whacking (even matt agrees) Haiya. so anyway there's matt, bx, csl and qiying. still got jc zher ee and me left. will try to continue to talk to matt next time.

when i reached home i just sat on my bed cos my parents were playing i think freecell on my computer so i could get any work done. when i finally woke up at 10 i started to type out the essay and realised in the end, that i have bearly enough infomation to meet the minimum length requirement. heck lah. 2043 is still more than 2000. and then that was like 1am liao. while i was doing my work (as usual cannot stay offline one) I was msging on icq, then i realised that i ought to feel quite guilty. this is about some stuff back in jc. i think i really dun understand myself nor the people around me. hai. gtg for lesson liao, the downpour at 5 woke me up, luckily it's more or less stopped by now. bubbi.

Zhengyu wrote at 6:23 AM.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

 

my sis is doing some weird aerobic exercise thing behind me. one of those follow the video, get those beautiful thighs kind of thing. i'm serious. i think she's got like 2 of those videos. oh well.

argh. still trying to clear my mind. it might help if i take the 3 week vacation in taiwan but i wun gurantee it works in the positive direction. the previous 10-day vacation didnt work so well, i came back in a worse state than before. 15 weeks more to go. headache. at the end of 15 weeks i'll have to prepare to sign 01 x confinement liao lor...

alumni prac:
yang2 says he'll pref prac in the evening on anyday except monday.

Zhengyu wrote at 11:18 PM.

 

went back to rv... you should hear the sound, it's not bad. the sops sounded quite nice (i ought to ban this word though) i think mr toh has been doing some good work on the choir. they were practicing for their end-of-year concert come 6th dec (free advert: it's at vch, tix going at 10/12 (stall) and 15 (circle) i think you can just buy tix at the door. i think.) anyway he's a great conductor who actually let the singers leave with something learnt. he's malaysian! didnt know. singaporean pr, and conducted the combined schools choir at some ndp, dunno when one. ms chiang and mrs koh seem to be doing fine, met ms yeo and mr suheime too =) the comm looks good. qizhao somehow reminds me alot of kwan. i look forward to hearing more from them.

while juncai and i were there (happily talking at the back of the lt... oops.) we suddenly realised mrs koh was in the room. she came and talked to us and also offered a very interesting opportunity to do something more meaningful than what the two of us spent our last er three years doing. jc says he cant commit because of all the ndp and stuff (lay lines loh~!) he claims i can, but i'm not all that certain. i'd like to though. decided to try to rope some ppl in (eg weemz), but er quite difficult leh, the commitment is not exactly easy when you cannot control your weekends very well. this should be fun.

speaking of weemz... how are the two of them ah...?

Zhengyu wrote at 5:17 PM.

Friday, October 17, 2003

 

er... poly's over. that was quite fast. i'll enjoy my long weekend though, choir's restarting tomorrow (woo!) maybe can talk to the teachers again. and see how's the new comm doing, now that the problematic part has been removed. okay to put it in clear, it's not very easy to run a choir when the teacher's son is part of it. i hope they're well. was talking to my platoon mates (today's dinner/outing/soccer was cancelled in the end) and er realise how all's not that calm underneath the surface. it's scary. i thought we've grown past all that, come on we've seen 12 years of school and close to 1 year of army (i'm not saying it's alot) and we're 19+ already! or at least most of us are past 19. and so what are we doing still saying things like having to pretend to be friendly for the peer appraisals... it's not what i expected. i shall not discuss about ethics here. esp of our ranks.

anyhow got a mail from dear csl, sounds like he doing alright there. okay so maybe not that perfect but he's coping. good to hear. it does sound a little messy there, hope he'll be alright. he'll be back in dec, and i realise that maybe we wun get to meet after all. i really dunno yet. same for zher ee. hai. and what's with all the nics...

Zhengyu wrote at 7:57 PM.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

 

i got in! wow! finally i re-entered twilight... and he's still lvl13. amazing. untouched. my pride, the product of immensely brainless patience, of the time when chatting with strangers was better than living in the real world. i dunno what got over me then, i think that was sec 3. i cant remember. all i know is i stopped in order to study for o's, and i never went back there after. well... i wonder if i can still play properly... probably cant remember any commands liao, it's like programming, quite fun =P

Zhengyu wrote at 11:17 PM.

 

i've got this plan... to practice what i learnt from my av clubs muahaha. maybe i can generate some very out-of-production mp3s... like the very first song that we performed in public. this should be interesting. okay but i clarify first it's a long term goal. my computer registry is bonkers and so it's not much point setting up the video capturing card and all just so that it will crash faster. so you've got to wait. but i am quite confident that it can be done... if the fungus havent got to the tapes yet that is... well...

Zhengyu wrote at 5:26 AM.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

 

sigh... i'm quite an imaginative person. i am not trying to say that i'm creative or innovative. just imaginative. i can draw ideas from nowhere, and everyone else would be like quite stunned because they have no idea what i'm talking about. simply because whatever i say usually has no link to whatever else that is going on. it takes them a while to understand which frequency have i switched to, then they'll normally try to understand, realise it's some useless rubbish, then move on. and then i'll realise i have to catch up with them again about 15mins later.

hai.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:40 PM.

 

the internet can be a very powerful media. while i am examining this, do consider the parallels to the everyday sms. this media is, as some people say, emotionless, cold. whatever that goes through the media, assuming it to be purely words, is without feeling. even pictures are sort of a problem since a picture can say anything between so much to so little, it all depends on the person's perspective. so i'd just like to say this, that there's so much miscommunication on these media, and please be careful when you use them, though they might be really convenient. the absence of tone can lead to vague messages. a story telling intent may transform into say that of someone in love. doesnt link right? but it happened.

btw (more for matt but if anyone else is interested just go ahead and try) there's this nice little film called "shoes off!". yah lah that's all. i feel damn stupid now.

Zhengyu wrote at 6:16 AM.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

 

argh. hai. dunno lah. this feels like j1/2 relived... argh... it was nightmarish...

Zhengyu wrote at 10:20 PM.

 

quite worried now. did something happen?

Zhengyu wrote at 8:52 PM.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

 

was surfing around atomfilms today... whoa... saw a few good clips. okay, besides those that were a bit sick like the one with the brocolli monster. anyway, there were good ones, or maybe i just have a soft spot for them. hai... if you're free maybe you might want to surf around, though it takes time to find nice ones. (sometimes i wonder who is my imaginary audience when i type this. always been a mystery.)

Zhengyu wrote at 8:04 PM.

 

sunday late morning. must think of something to do... presently still looking at bball till around lunch time, then go library do a bit of "research" well, so to say, my service term paper will end up more of me crapping and not much research. hey but for a title like military strategies and tactics... what the hell. jc on exercise, bx weekend kena burned, matt hasnt got back to me... argh. last night i slept early and slept well. it's been a long time since i had that kind of sleep. i dunno... maybe i was just too tired, maybe i'm just feeling better. whichever.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:44 AM.

Saturday, October 11, 2003

 

i like talking to people, i realise. imagine a nice cool afternoon with a friend under a tree, just talking about life and stuff. with a nice drink. non-alcoholic please. and that's always been one of those things i treasure very much, i can still remember one night, that night we spent on the podium, that was j1. i cant remember how many of us there was, we simply brought out all our sleeping bags/mats, pringles, someone brought some wine i think (at that time i havent decided to keep away from that thing) and i remember we had a marker or something like that, it was our tool to keeping score to our card games later on. that was a beautiful night, we sang, played, chatted about everything under the moon, and eventually we knocked out. it was quite a joke actually, someone suggested we take a break to go get some water i think, and that was the end of our party.

anyway, as much as i'd love to talk to my friend(s) again, i find it difficult to ever have such a chance again. i wouldnt ask some ppl simply cos they er have someone else to stay with. i wouldnt ask some because they've worked so hard over the weeks and i think they ought to have some proper rest. some are not even in singapore anymore so that's out of the question (icq is the way to go now) and then that's about everybody liao. sad right.

but that's also good, cos i normally bore the hell out of the other fellow, so unless there's at least 3 ppl altogether it usually ends up quite silent. or maybe i should say i like to listen to them. so far what i had to say had been a whole lot of nonsense, things that didnt add very much to the conversation, and i feel stupid trying to find things to say sometimes, esp when in the end i can only think of some useless thing to say. well, i dunno, i just think some day i should reflect properly on my communication skills, before i lose my bunch of friends.

Zhengyu wrote at 5:32 PM.

 

i dun think i've mentioned it before but recently have been getting quite a handful of strangers talking to me on icq. weird. must have left some option for chat or something like that on. today i had a very small dilemma, that kind of thing. siao liao. siao liao. hai. quite tired now, better go sleep tomorrow still have class. what the...

Zhengyu wrote at 12:13 AM.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

 

headache. now suddenly got something to worry about. headache. go and knit easier.

Zhengyu wrote at 9:52 PM.

 

sometimes i dun pay attention to certain things. sometimes i dun mean to. this time round i did, and now that i bothered to i realised i have a free ticket home. hm. life can be quite interesting, when you think you've finally gone through the worse and seen it all, it's just quite something to take in the new stuff. alas, life goes on. let's pick our selves up, carry on. it's one of those times when you really think you ought to laugh, but nothing comes out. =)

Zhengyu wrote at 7:57 PM.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

 

have you got a hobby that gives you an excuse to take your time, think through all those questions you had about life, at your own leisure pace? do consider. it's addictive for me though. blogging is one of those hobbies, basically thinking aloud in a more convenient way than writing a journal. except when it hangs while publishing, which has happened on my las two entries, then when i try to rewrite the entry the feeling's all gone. that's the only drawback so far. or how about something to be creative with? handicraft is great fun and something to be proud of (assuming you do something presentable) and always something motivating plus you can give them away as gifts, the effort also means alot to both parties (most of the time) or at least that's how i feel about them. doing things together with friends is especially good, and even better if you can discuss just about anything with that friend minus his love life (because he always go a little wacko each time i mention it). a group of close friends is almost the best that it can be, be it celebrating new year (a bit out of point but we enjoy it quite a bit, the popping the wine and stuff), or just being silly on your school podium while visiting the annual camp (only once but it was superb fun and we also managed to come up with two pretty good recordings) sigh. life has many things to look forward to, and depending on how you see it, even reeling lines can be great fun. serious. what do you think?

Zhengyu wrote at 11:13 PM.