Monday, May 28, 2007

 

i wanted to call a final meeting. it didnt work out the last time cos i had this girl screaming her frustrations at me instead over sms. and yah i didnt mean to, but it wouldnt make a difference then. so there was no final meeting. and now looking at it from hindsight, i ask: do we still need a final meeting? not much has been communicated in review, and my last agenda is still left stranded (one or two items of greater urgency had to jump the queue) so i guess we still need that meeting as much as before. but do we want to meet? we still dun want to meet, just as much as before, or maybe a little more. so what makes me think that the final meeting is possible? because impossible is nothing. okay stupid sidetrack. because it would be real bad not to have the committee hear about (and give me official disapproval) the last agenda. and the fact lies in the certainty that they will give a 3/5 disapproval. and i have to agree with them, even i want to vote for their side. but i cant. i thought about it over and over again. i wanted to take a smaller role, but that's merely transfering the responsibility to someone else in paper, i'm effectively just not answerable for my actions. and i dun want to be that kind of coward. i cant just not take a role because it has already been entrusted to me, so i have to do it no matter what. then no matter which point i argue from, i have so far circled back to the last agenda. again and again. there's just no other answer for me. similarly in the hall side, the more people that tell me they would consider because of me, the more i cannot abandon them. now i cant leave, as much as i would like to, and i really do not want to risk a mass withdrawal, it's the last thing we need. so here i am, stretched between two things that i never really wanted, but i am unwilling to let go and risk the consequences.

Zhengyu wrote at 11:02 AM.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

 

interesting... coming back to my room at night, too early to see my regular msn mates online, too late for dinner such that i dunno if i'm still hungry. just in time to see ching mien and his friend coming out of hall. too careless to realise that the item on the shelf labelled $3.10 actually costs $3.85. too forgetful to notice that we didnt switch off the aircon. too coincidental that the cac people were already using the room when i got back there to switch it off.

i want to respond to cheryl's mail, but i dunno what to say. i havent thought of what to say. thanks cheryl for the offer? i think we're all on this boat, trying to set its path right. trying to. but when there's more people with a similar goal, things tend to be easier for everyone. let's see how this might work out.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:46 PM.

 

accordingly, having more hate mail doesnt mean you're doing more things, or that you are doing more things right. but maybe it means you are doing more things wrong.

i think i'll get a hell lot of these things.

but yah, i must say i'm impressed. maybe this should have been the approach since the beginning. let's see whether more things come out of it. the other two members are still in deep sleep, but i'm impressed with this one. really.

Zhengyu wrote at 2:33 PM.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

 

sigh. cap drop again. at this rate i'm going to lose my chances of getting an honours degree.

sis thinks i'll do better at home. i cant say.

Zhengyu wrote at 6:01 PM.

Friday, May 25, 2007

 

maybe i associate too much with my past experiences. maybe i assume everything should be done the way i've seen them being done before. maybe i'm forgetting that different groups of people operate differently. maybe i'm totally insensitive. maybe i'm just freaking autocratic. maybe i'm the root of your problem. maybe i'm too self-righteous. maybe i am so defensive about myself that it becomes disgusting. maybe i just do not listen to others. maybe i'm not the person you were looking for. maybe i'm not a team player. maybe generating all the answers you need is not what you want.

so what if i can offer a plethora of answers? no one is interested to listen to this kind of person. am i truly a leader, after all these 5 years? or am i just a pain in the ass at the top of the food chain?

maybe i've made you hate this place so much you're just no longer interested to play your role.

Zhengyu wrote at 4:29 AM.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

 

meisi's ignoring me on msn... taking forever to reply =( i want to sleep liao.

zz. tmr got quite a few things to look into. dunno how i'm gonna manage also, probably will miss out some things here and there. sigh. that's not going to be excusable.

and edmund said too much today. didnt warn him to keep it low, so i guess it's my own problem. whatever then.

Zhengyu wrote at 2:57 AM.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

 

it's come to my attention that i have been making more mistakes recently. like naming the wrong person several times consecutively. looks like a bad sign that i'm getting messed up.

on the brighter side, joe's response was heartwarming. at least he's considering. so i have one less person to convince.

i'm sorry but if you guys wanted me to put that as my top priority, i doubt i will. it wouldnt be fair to my other responsibilities, so you can only have as much priority as everyone else. it's not like you had given this any higher priority than your other commitments, and besides, it's not justifiable.

i feel like calling a final meeting. then we can really argue liao. it seems like there is a chance of us meeting up in full strength, as opposed to what i believed. but whether people want to meet up, that is a different issue. it would be a great time to review what we have discussed and see if any body really had anything to say. cos i'm really of the view that no one is bothering with my mails. even when the mail contains changes to fundamental operating principles, it was reduced to "guidelines". maybe i should rephrase, one meeting might not be enough. if EnD took 3 hours to work through what i had to say, i would estimate a good 5 hours, esp if we include concert preparation. I must make it a point not to include performance group discussions since it strictly involves a different group of people.

Zhengyu wrote at 3:49 AM.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

 

went out with jiahui and chee yen again today... basically walking around doing stupid things. i should get my mind fixed on that new medley idea... bx might like it. i also should push for the discussions to be done up sooner. at least settle the lastest issue within these 3 days. it's quite funny, really. and then kev recruitment and float documents.

charmaine and derek were trying to be encouraging today, but i think they felt the amount of negative energy i was carrying, then they like got turned off. maybe tmr i should look thru the scores again, both online and hardcopies. but i dun think it's right to blame anybody, albeit all my bitching, because what has happened today is the result of collective effort, or collective lack of effort.

i was generating the list of things that the concert committees will do, and in a very obvious way i'm particularly happy that the bulk of the job lies in logistics and operations. but this remains to be discussed. we're not even done with talking about who is in which group yet. maybe tmr i shall introduce the scopes as well, to further confuse the comm. did i say discuss? maybe it's more like i announce, no one is interested to refute, then after 2 days i declare consensus.

but really, is there any obvious difference from actually sitting down and discussing? perhaps some people might understand and clarify better face to face. well i do, i believe. but what good is a perpertually incomplete committee in meeting?

terence gave me the most resigned response i can imagine. "i'm sure that you'll be able to suitably handle the situation." you think too highly of me. but i offer no solutions, only potential pitfalls and life-death scenarios. let hope that nus survives to see the dawn of next next ay.

Zhengyu wrote at 3:05 AM.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

 

i have a grouping in my msn called "common". it actually means contacts that i would expect to talk to commonly, and at this stage in my life it's people who i am supposed to work with. right now it holds the outgoing and incoming committee memebers for ke voices, plus jia en and michael for being such important figures, my outgoing block committee head and vice head, and outgoing resonance committee. so that's 15 people.

but from the past year, i wouldnt say that i have spoke to everyone on the list (minus incoming kev comm would give 12 remaining people) i know i msn quite a bit to michael, jia en, shu en and meisi. i physically talked to waikit and laiyi (since they are just next door) then the rest are the remaining committee people who speaks to me once in a while when there's work to be done. one or two of them perhaps almost never spoke to me before, not even in real life.

perhaps my working life is very much inclined. it makes me want to visit pathlight again, to see how are they doing. life there was more fulfilling, somehow.

Zhengyu wrote at 12:13 PM.

 

if my name was like dexian or shiming, i would understand why this is happening. but i'm not. so why am i still getting caught in this kind of situation? ridiculous... jc chorale, hall aca, reso logistics, and now these.

is the world really so short on manpower? on trained personnel? or am i just venturing too far such that no one seems interested in my field anymore...

on a happier note, went out today for lunch and dinner, which was nice. although i got rather sleepy on the way back (but still down here typing msn replies... sheesh) maybe we should do it again sometime, but not quite so often haha.

and i think i screwed up the bluemoo booking. seems that jc was expecting me to do the booking but i never went to confirm the number with him and i assumed he was handling it instead. sigh.

Zhengyu wrote at 12:31 AM.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

 

time is running out. against all my previous whining, i might be forced into a deadlock, or worse, into a working relationship with some people. i'm not trying particularly hard to solve either side, but i'm still caught in between, nevertheless. and people are losing patience because i am turning desperate. i'm almost ready to throw away the entire relationship to keep this last step functional and proper. almost. in anycase i think i have already crossed the line and sacrificed two, but nothing productive came out of it. it might be something to do with the way i handled them, but the truth is i am not sorry.

caring for something is entirely different from actively doing something about it.

In any case, the problem on hand now is to ensure that the task gets completed. the next drastic step will be even worse, and one week from now i will be doing it. unless a miracle happens and someone realises what her role is really about. when that happens, i should probably expect to lose the support of the entire batch (not that i started with very much) and be expected to run the whole show on my own.

i made an uninformed choice one year ago. i thought it was informed, but i learnt that i was mistaken. now i need to redeem myself. or at least try. many times, just trying alone makes a world of difference.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:29 AM.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

 

i met up with edmund and davina today for dinner (well i was late so they ate dinner and met me after that) the discussion finally cleared up doubts from a few months ago, and there's a list of things i would like to share with the rest of my present committee. i'll need to take some time off to meet them tho. and the two of them have been very nice to share on the more private thoughts, so i guess i should be privilleged. in a way, i feel that my debt to them have not yet been fully repayed. that's not to say that i feel that i've paid back to kevii, it's just a different matter altogether and for that case i'm going at like enough to so called pay off my first 2 years. then the rest i'm just giving.

Zhengyu wrote at 5:27 AM.

Monday, May 07, 2007

 

i was reminded today that looks is not everything. looks might not even mean anything. well the belief that most people who look nice are demure are typically nice people still stands, just that there's something more impt that i tend to forget when i reason. you really taught me a lesson over this past year.

inspiration from noodles: i should keep a bottle of chili oil in my room. it spices the dishes up.

Zhengyu wrote at 3:13 AM.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

 

when you have too much time to kill, too much on your mind, and a blog to blog on, maybe you'll end up like me. i blog to vent. (previously i stated that sometimes i am too busy to vent.)

hoho. someone wants to prove me wrong about our committee. our damn half-a-committee that has lost even the faith of me. it's not easy, and even 4sab almost didnt make it. but you guys make it look like a breeze. i must say i am impressed, given my limited experiences in previous positions.

going out with meisi this weekend. good time to vent. hope she doesnt call any of the other peeps along cos i'm getting ready to vent like nuts for a while. how on earth did i end up in this situation with people who do not care and people who care but have no realisation that they are far too incapable to care and in any case end up not caring. okay this is getting personal.

i'm turning more cynical with every encounter.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:56 AM.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

 

it becomes painstakingly obvious that i am trying too hard. i'm waiting for meisi to contact me. why bother when no one even bothers to tell you when are they not available? this committee is doomed never to do anything enjoyable together. for that matter, we should be happy if we can even get one thing right now and then.

i know i promised davina but this seems to be getting harder every moment. and now the grass on the other side is glowing a super healthy green.

i shall give it one last try. at least i can say that we tried, or in the worst case, i tried. i will be summoning all my magicks in this holiday period. come watch the fireworks if you like. and the finale is still waiting, underneath the action on the surface.

Zhengyu wrote at 11:34 PM.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

 

no mood. totally no mood. i'm not the kind that likes to read real estate notes. =(

Zhengyu wrote at 8:09 PM.