Tuesday, January 29, 2008

 

wilfred mentioned the term "playmates" yesterday during our short conversation. i had this feeling he had more to say but i just couldnt really stay awake so i retired to my room. after noodles i knocked out in my chair for brief moments.

but the term. it gives a new meaning and perspective to my dilemma now. if we are just "playmates", then there's really nothing left to hold on for. then the decision would be easy, just a secondary matter of choosing between rvr and pgp.

sometimes, we are perhaps just waiting for the one person to come and bring us light. thank you wilfred, for reminding me of the difference between friends and playmates. perhaps i can finally put one set of worries away.

and to be honest, it doesnt help that i still cant let go. so perhaps now i can safely and selfishly leave everything behind for good.

Zhengyu wrote at 9:06 AM.

Monday, January 28, 2008

 

laughable. sometimes we are capable of amazing insistence.

am discussing the question with meisi over msn. reviewing my stand, perhaps i'm taking it too personal, too serious, too pessimistic. perhaps i am not justified. perhaps i am not needed. perhaps, like zong bo eventually showed me, no one ever really expected anything.

and besides, who is to say whether i'm doing more good or more harm?
(on a side note, thanks to liujun and gang. i really appreciate this)

Zhengyu wrote at 3:02 AM.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

 

some times, the lack of commitment and sense of self-importance gets to me.

grr.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:32 AM.

Friday, January 25, 2008

 

have been slacking for the past hour, chatted with jason, dangni, briefly with zhiwei, dropped by to talk a bit with fanny. it's friday night slacking syndrome. ern theng called to say i'm involved in the concert and then hung up after i started cursing at him for calling just to ask about it and refusing to talk about anything else. slacking the friday night away. tutorials, readings, one lab report undone. oh yes let me send out that email.

ok sent.

hai. i feel like telling shu hui about next year's plans but i dunno if this is a good time. ah well. better tell her soon tho. i also want to start zen-ning liao... at least can spend more time around here, like yen says. maybe my choice of sucking up the works just cannot coexist with spending time with the neighbourhood. (and we havent even started talking about studying)

Zhengyu wrote at 9:12 PM.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

 

i havent gotten much done. not for recruitment, not for marketing, not for studies. not for almost everything. and yet, i dun seem to be doing very productive stuff still. i dun, for example, give up on any project to concentrate on the others. i dun stop committing to new things. very soon i believe i will screw up something so bad that ppl will remember me for that.

and i dun think i can recognise you anymore. i need a reason to convince jc myself.

Zhengyu wrote at 12:51 AM.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

 

taking a break from maths. i think charlie fell asleep going thru the document... i forgot to drop by his place after finishing my business with zhiwei. thanks charlie for helping out, still.

i did a bit of recruitment today. not much results, but still i should be content. ought to get this over and done with quickly so i can return to the marketing task. but at least we managed to solve the alumni issue for the time being, so it should be fine. tmr should be meeting waikit about auditing, and i wonder when is he starting work for mab. crc side no news again, i'm somewhat tempted to pick up the task and finish it off. but i dunno if i should be spending that time on crc and not elsewhere. amplitude started off fair, hope things go on smoothly and then i wun need to intervene.

i went for my first arts lecture for this sem. i feel that urge to step back and observe. to think and comment on ppl's actions. but it feels cynical and pointless, so perhaps it is best if i dun actually fulfill my urge. it's an urge that i have felt for many years, but now a little more defined and clearer on how i can actually act to fulfill it. please let me hold back all my emotions until they no longer matter. i cant afford to lose control now, not after stating the three reasons and planning for the final contingency. everything must be saved.

Zhengyu wrote at 3:29 AM.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

 

lonely semester ahead. i'm not yet refering to hall. this semester will be an academically lonely one, and i will not be seeing quite a number of friends. Julie, for example, is taking totally different modules from me. Previously I have only missed Fiona, for one semester, and for this sememster Julie is probably not the only one that I will not see. My choice of modules have perhaps gone a bit extreme, and so far out of two modules I have spotted 3 persons that I know well enough. The namelists for the other modules are not out yet. Early lessons and a late day also means I might be spending very little time eating breakfast or even dinner with the guys. Or any body, for that matter. And with all the instability going on in my head, it's quite likely that I will not stay on after this semester. What might possibly be there to hold me back? Maybe Choon Wee will have an answer for me. He seems more clear headed than I am now.

Zhengyu wrote at 9:20 AM.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

 

music soothens the soul in many ways. maybe it helps you to relax. maybe it keeps you busy enough to forget other things. maybe the techniques keep you busy on your toes. maybe the polyphony keeps your ears busy working out what you want to hear.

music lets you keep so much nonsense out of the door simply by flooding in and taking up the whole of your bandwidth. thank the beings above for letting us have our music.

Zhengyu wrote at 8:39 PM.

 

glass, incidentally, has the properties of being transparent and fragile.

Zhengyu wrote at 12:54 AM.

Friday, January 11, 2008

 

it's not very obvious, but then it's starting to make sense when you put it that way. been there, tried that, and now back to the normal. so what i thought was normal, was already not normal.

then it makes sense. then wo si ye neng ming mu le.

Zhengyu wrote at 8:52 PM.

 

you know, i tot that i could handle it. or at least i decided that i would somehow manage it. but it's not working. things are falling apart and i cant keep my mind straight very much. i'm imagining things and i dunno how bad it really is, if it's all in my mind or if it's really there.

i dun know what to do next.

Zhengyu wrote at 1:44 AM.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

 

i have been quite lost. and i still am. my hiding in office and keeping myself occupied is not the best outcome i can imagine, all the same my head runs wild when it gets to. and if it doesnt get to, i'll tire and let it rest anyway. either way, it's not working. i'm tempted to give up on the campaign.

Zhengyu wrote at 1:48 AM.

Monday, January 07, 2008

 

stoning.

had a game of munchkin with waikit laiyi and ching mien just now, then fong seng supper. a long chat about our lives here in hall and nus. not all is well, which is normal. back at my table, i sit blankly in front of the computer, unable to actually do anything useful. therefore i decided to blog, which in essence would waste some time away, let my head settle in and perhaps (i pray very hard) start working constructively. perhaps organise myself a bit as i work through my thoughts. and at the same time writing it down here so that i might one day look back at myself (indeed i dun think i would recognise the me from 2002, but i have had problems with publishing the archives so i think no one else can read those articles but me)

life is becoming devoid of meaning, and yet we are only like 23. for me, there really isnt much to look forward to. maybe get dad to stop working, go thru masters, nie and move on to work. sis might find new jobs. nothing much will really change significantly, though the issue of answering to my parents might be a little bit tricky. but i think they will understand, it's perhaps not in our blood.

Zhengyu wrote at 2:05 AM.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

 

feeling a bit empty.

despite what i have sort of decided for myself, i dun seem to have the willpower to stay on track. maybe things will be better when juncai is back to distract me. or maybe he'll just make things worse.

Zhengyu wrote at 6:32 PM.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

 

i forgot i promised to blog about this one.

on the bus ride from hall to harbourfront, i met this man on the bus. he called himself William Choo (or maybe he meant chiu) and WC for short. he was drunk, and he did acknowledge that. not too drunk at all i must say, just a little wobbly when he walked and a little loud when he spoke. but most impt of all, he was still pretty much in control. he wanted to go to harbourfront because he was taking public transport to his home in hougang. when he first motioned at me to go to him and talked to me, i could smell the beer in his breathe but i did not know what it was until a while later when he mentioned he is drunk. it's been a while since i touched beer. but in any case, this man was rather kind, just that he was drunk. he thanked me alot of times for directing him (i was getting off at the same stop anyway, and would been going in the same mrt line, anyway.) and the most perhaps funny thing was that he said if i ever make it big i must remember him. therefore this entry. he was i guess early 40s, or perhaps i underestimate his age. i wondered if he had something heavy on his mind, or did he just drink out of habit. his daughter apparently was not too fond of studying and so he advised me to go as far as i can. "don't work," he said. i thought it wasnt an appropriate time to explain that i am already bonded to the service and i have to work soon before they make me a bankrupt man. i hope he made his way home safely.

about making it big. if i ever do, i ought to remember to come back to this page to see what i wrote, and perhaps find him. but i doubt it ba. my political experience have been upsetting, to say the least. i'd rather stay as an administrative person than cross into the political scene. even in jc and uni, the politics were already a bit too much for me to bear. although there is a small chances of getting caught in it still, while i'm here in nus. but i dun reckon i could do politics for a living... it's too tough for me. i dun even know if i'll be able to talk to parents. ah well, for this one i have already put my name down, and there's no running from those parents for at least 3 years.

Zhengyu wrote at 11:20 PM.

 

i'm at home. i dun exactly know why i chose to come home. i told myself it was because my mum cooked alot today cos we have to have some offerings to the ancestors, then since there's no dinner in hall and laiyi is not eating dinner and ching mien went off for dinner without waikit, i didnt really have anyone to eat dinner with except waikit.

the truth is i came home and ate dinner alone, although i was at the same time watching tv together with my mum and dad. i really think there was some other reason that i came home, but perhaps i just dun want to admit it.

today was as usual a day spent mostly in hall. got off the bed at close to 10am and started with i cant remember which piece of paperwork. i managed to send out the testimonial emails, although i am not hopeful that many will want to participate. i myself wouldnt, if not for the sentimental reason. and yes i need to sort out the paper to be used. perhaps tomorrow i can drop by popular or something. or co-op on monday. then i really dunno what i spent most of today doing... although i did remember a few hours wasted on a computer game. totally non-constructive. but perhaps i rolled around too much in bed thinking wild thoughts and wanting to bang my head against the wall. so the game was... somewhat justifiable ba. and anyway i received the permission on the yahoogroup, which means there's work to be done. perhaps after i shower.

i returned my storybook but borrowed two more. is that a sign that i'm going to be doing even less work now? perhaps i will... but maybe it's because of something else.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:15 PM.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

 

planning for tmr's stuff. i notice that i am very easily distracted (not a new thing actually, kenneth must have reminded me thousands of times) and i forgot what the other thing was. crap... i need to seek professional help...

Zhengyu wrote at 8:55 PM.

 

went out to meet the guys today for jc's bday (as usual the purposeful non-mention of birthday but yet meeting around one of our bdays means that a cake and some presents will appear, and everyone knows it) so we were at matt's place, complete with the 360 that flashed many scenes of gore and blood as our three valiant players chainsaw massacre aliens on the screen. so there we were, jc, bx, matt, qy, qh and me. with 2 rounds of combined munchkin (the second being matt's virgin round, and yet he won! and that was after we tried to gang up and take him out on four occasions. too tough to kill) the cake was real good but after 1.5 slices i realised that it's too rich for me, and we hope that mr lee will find good use for his presents. although the constructiveness of its usage may be questioned, or even the ethicality of it (sounds like we are the ones who are bad company)

on the way back to hall (matt drove) i got motion sickness again and had to stop near clementi for a good 10 mins i think. maybe more. and they walked me up to my room so i conveniently showed them my room (actually matt and jc have seen it, it's just qh) and we started taking group photos outside my room. after a while they got off again, since it's real late and jc actually expected to reach home like 12. crazy day it was, very satisfying to catch up a bit with each other. other than seeing jc here and there, and meeting qh some time ago at holland v, i havent really met the rest for a while. not even bx or qiying. (which leads me to ponder about the amount of time i spend hibernating in hall) my sickness is cleared now and i'm happily typing my blog at a rather inconvenient hour. matt showed me a video from wang fu productions (very good videos, they have.) and it really almost killed me with all that emotional stuff. if jc watches it, he either learns his lesson, or sinks deeper into self-pity. i've just committed the fallacy of false dilemma.

happy bday jc and happy new year to everyone!

Zhengyu wrote at 3:39 AM.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

 

i'm losing myself. and there's nothing much i'm doing about it. i would want to say "you're losing me" too, but i have no idea who i should be directing that line to. maybe kevii, if it can listen.

i am presently feeling outdated and obsolete. (i just finished a task and so i'm blogging here. and i just remembered i have another task awaiting) last night's countdown was actually not what i was expecting nor hoping for, but it was okay in the least. just that towards the middle part and beyond i started to get out of place. i'm too old fashioned and grumpy for this place, and to stay on might only be depriving someone else better of a place in this hall, to gain and contribute in return.

my friends are slowly leaving the hall. the closer ones are not too keen on staying on, some are intending to leave to concentrate for their final year on their studies, some are simply already going to graduate. if i were to stay here, i might just be a grumpy and anti-social old man blocking one of the better rooms in CD block. the only thing that holds me back is the possibility of repaying to the hall one last time, of which i really do not believe is the only outcome nor the best outcome. yes, perhaps ppl will know me and give me a bit of credit, but is that really essential in undertaking this task? perhaps you can do with someone else with more passion, more energy to push on, although they might have slightly less credentials since they are younger? but that's only because they are younger! so in what way am i in a better position?

i'm feeling a slight change in my mentality also. i am getting lazy, or perhaps even scared or turned off by the thought of chionging. i am developing that "i'm already so old so just let me live in peace" kind of attitude, which i personally dun like but i feel it in me nonetheless. and the excuse of being a good neighbour just doesnt come through anymore, considering that i have been quite a miserable neighbour to the lot around me.

this morning master asked me if i have decided to take on the float project. i told him probably yes. but i am assuming i cannot find a better person. which is simply a ridiculous assumption.

Zhengyu wrote at 1:29 PM.