Sunday, November 30, 2008

 

When you're blinded by an unconsumable rage, and start hurting all in your path, it's time to go.

saw this quote on zhiwei's msn. apparently a quote from quantum of solace.

i would agree with it quite a bit. staying at any organisation, or even with any person, friend (with the exception of family cos you dun really get to change your family members that you were born with) sometimes perhaps it's better to leave, and let both sides remain intact. alot of hurt can be generated before we realise it, and i guess the best person to prevent that would be the one that's accumulating rage and going to start hurting people.

but leaving is not the only option. maybe you can talk things out. i still believe in sharing my troubles with my friends. no doubt that it does nothing to improve the actual situation, but it soothes me alot and prevent me from going into the problem without my head, which would probably had made matters worse. of course sometimes you have to choose who you can share with. but surely everyone would have a closest someone to share with, or a few close friends. by definition, there must exist a closest, so there's no argument there. problem comes in when the closest is not good enough to share with, or not available. sometimes i get that feeling. that i could maybe become the closest available but that will not be good enough by your gauge. i've started mumbling nonsense again. and there's probably more alternatives other than leaving and talking things out. explore. life is a journey so learn along the way.

of course, blindness is a problem as well. sometimes when you really are blinded by rage and you cant even see a way out, perhaps it'll be better to get away and cool down, before re-looking at what's going on. dun leave problems on the shelf for too long because they will tend to grow bigger when you take your eyes off them. so once i'm neutral again i usually try to get back to the problem asap. and lastly, sometimes you really do have to go. it may be hard to admit, it may hurt, but if this will be the path of least hurt for everyone, then you have to prepare yourself (and others) for it. by definition, everyone includes yourself (unlike the case that my japanese lecturer discussed) so dun think you're hurting the least because you become the only one that's hurt. that's so not being objective anymore. and you'll risk becoming blinded by rage (or hurt) one day, so please prevent that kind of outcome again.

so, for the sake of your friends, etc, pls handle this well.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:46 AM.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

 

have been watching hayate no gotoku... thanks very much to jc =D

then i realised (or rather just formalised the thought) that it would be nice to be like hayate. he's good in many aspects. i shall not bother to list all the good things about him, and then the bad thing is probably like not much.

i wonder if we all imagine ourselves to be the good guy? i know i do. is it normal? maybe that helps to drive ourselves towards a set of proper behaviour, but then there is also an opposing view that this is the wrong motivations towards the correct behaviour, and that at the root of everything we would not acheive the ideal state. (smoke generated from my module on intro to chinese philosophy. not very dense smoke i guess.)

what's so great about being that guy? well, he's likable. he's popular with people. he's nice enough that you would think "hey if ppl think of me the way i think of this guy, that would be great!" and you dun really find faults with this sort of person because he's pretty much perfect. yet he's really only an anime character. is it practical to want to be like him? is it practical, for that matter, to want to be anything that you are not? or maybe what you find if others will awaken you to find that same thing buried deep within yourself?

i should stop this argument soon... but in any case, it's nice to have a model of someone you want to be like. or maybe someone you identify with (and hopefully can agree objectively that that is a positive kind of model) harima was one such case. well. maybe in that sense it helps to find humour even though you might be playing a tragic role. or even find hope. shu hui said, hope does not disappoint. i interpreted it in a very positive light, but it seems she had a different understanding. alas. i'm still dumbfounded up to now.

Zhengyu wrote at 6:52 PM.

Monday, November 24, 2008

 

你好。

突然发现可以用华文来写部落格，还真的有一点被吓到。之前尝试了好几回都没成功，反而这次随手试试却行得通了。上面的你好就是第一个在这个部落格上出现的华文字吧。

刚刚在网上听了一首五月天的歌曲，感触良多。也希望像这样的音乐能帮我们表达自己内心深处的感受，也许能借此而让自己面对生命中的艰辛。我自己也是常靠歌曲来代替语言，可是除了和jc那帮朋友说话时用得上场以外，就只有在自己独自对白时能用了。谢谢众音乐家带给了我们音乐、歌词，还给了我多一个发泄和表达的方式。

Zhengyu wrote at 8:09 PM.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

 

didnt do much work today... about break even with the original pace, but that means i havent caught up on my 3 day lag. ah. if i can do like 4 papers now... but that would be a miracle (read i havent not pulled off that kind of stunt for a while now)

i resolve to do one paper, shower, and do two more. (yah rite!) let's see if i succeed.

Zhengyu wrote at 9:37 PM.

 

came on to fix "the archive problem", only to realise that it was fixed already... in a rather crude fashion (basically the only way that i managed to get to work, albeit different from the rest of the site format". so i tried my hands at the "hide the spammed tagboard" problem, but cant remove it without losing my archive link as well. so i gave up. mei probably knows how to solve this (she apparently learnt html back in secondary school. some compulsory education thing. good leh.) but aiya dowan to bother her over this.

nothing much to comment actually. i did a jap webcast run yesterday to try to catch up with my study plan. currently i'm 6 MA3218 papers behind, not including today's share of work. therefore i should stop blogging now. out.

that incidentally will mean not writing on a large portion of the struggle since two days ago. wth. dun think that should be published.

Zhengyu wrote at 8:35 AM.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

 

i actually am a very insecure person.

i worry for alot of things. most of them not necessary. maybe because the more unknown it is the more i worry. i cant say exactly that i would be able to let go of things i know well enough, or if you use the term, "that i trust". because i havent tried something like that very much, i dun know. i havent taught many students, tho i must say that in hall, on the activity level, many a time trust is not for the better (i'm more in favour of guiding, in that case. but i become a bit controlling, that much i must confess)

so now i worry that i become a worry. that's sort of absurd but nonetheless i still do. maybe i am hurting people without realising it. maybe i am due for change but i dun sense it. or maybe i'm just over worrying. again.

even looking at myself, i feel irritated with this sense of insecurity. sit down, let go. let things take its course. maybe i'm too caught up with the pace of things and too busy with my work that i cant shake myself out of it objectively to even say, "hey, it's fine as it is... stop adding nonsense shit on top of it, you're making it worse." and instead i blindly pile more things that i think might be for the better.

sometimes no action is the best action. more often, i do things that do no good and regret afterwards. maybe it's time to sit down and think things thru again. dun make everyone anxious when there's no reason for it. so what if you miss out on things? is it really yours enough for you to "miss out on"? maybe things have their way.

i become fatalistic at times. altho i would rather not accept fatalism and all that pre-determined stuff. there's this tinge of hope that comes from the believe that you can fight for your own future. maybe that tinge of hope is something i cant let go off, something i stubbornly imagine exists so that i have a purpose and a direction still, in this life. something would change. hope would bring that change, but perhaps hope doesnt blindly intervene in fate. wait for your moment, if it comes. miss it, then so be it.

Zhengyu wrote at 8:26 PM.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

 

i sense that it is coming...

i really dun want to be disappointed again. early this semester i was already sian-ed thanks to a junior who decides to pull out. and then now it's going to replay.

doesnt anybody care for others anymore? is it always about ourselves?

tmd.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:29 AM.

Monday, November 03, 2008

 

monday 11am. someone took 3.5 hrs to get off the bed huh. since i havent been blogging i'll just shun bian update.

last night they took revenge on kah hsiung. but i dunno, it's a bit overdone to me. and not very well managed. i hope everything is still alright... maybe should ask kh later. wouldnt be good if we blew something for him without even realising it.

i agreed to the grad trip yesterday. after all, a good number of my neighbours are going, and ppl like eng seng and kane will be on the trip. should be a good trip, i hope. that would be my like 6th time out of singapore i think. around there ba. it's good to see new things, to see things from other perspectives. that's the intent, anyway.

i have yet to meet shu hui since like dunno how long ago that she said she was having exams and would come back to e7 the following week. but i think more than one week has passed. dunno what happened also. or maybe the days just seem longer to me these days that i dun really know how much time has passed exactly. there are days when something from 2 days ago seemed more like a week. maybe it has something to do with me keeping myself busy these days. or sleeping around 4-5 hrs a day for the past one week or so. it's healthy to wake up early but i dunno how long i'll last. maybe having a purpose to wake up for makes things easier at day break.

wai kit dropped in on msn the other day to chat. seems like the education system there is also rather jiat lat, esp for his major. think mugging exact phrases, word for word. he still seems unsatisfied with the social life there tho, keeps saying he misses hall and this gang of friends. in reality, since we have parted ways into the various parts of hall (and even pgp) we havent quite kept in contact. i dun see laiyi unless i go for dinner, which is not often. i only see wenjun at jap classes, but he'll frequently be sitting with someone else and we usually come into classes at different times anyway. i see juncai only when we meet up separately. i dun see kok pun that much since he's busy and i dun purposely visit him that often either.

life is not as good as it seemed it would be. for now i'm just looking ahead to next semester, hopefully i can break free from a few stalemates. sigh. there are somethings that i can never solve, even with all these scientific things.

Zhengyu wrote at 11:06 AM.