Sunday, November 16, 2008

 

i actually am a very insecure person.

i worry for alot of things. most of them not necessary. maybe because the more unknown it is the more i worry. i cant say exactly that i would be able to let go of things i know well enough, or if you use the term, "that i trust". because i havent tried something like that very much, i dun know. i havent taught many students, tho i must say that in hall, on the activity level, many a time trust is not for the better (i'm more in favour of guiding, in that case. but i become a bit controlling, that much i must confess)

so now i worry that i become a worry. that's sort of absurd but nonetheless i still do. maybe i am hurting people without realising it. maybe i am due for change but i dun sense it. or maybe i'm just over worrying. again.

even looking at myself, i feel irritated with this sense of insecurity. sit down, let go. let things take its course. maybe i'm too caught up with the pace of things and too busy with my work that i cant shake myself out of it objectively to even say, "hey, it's fine as it is... stop adding nonsense shit on top of it, you're making it worse." and instead i blindly pile more things that i think might be for the better.

sometimes no action is the best action. more often, i do things that do no good and regret afterwards. maybe it's time to sit down and think things thru again. dun make everyone anxious when there's no reason for it. so what if you miss out on things? is it really yours enough for you to "miss out on"? maybe things have their way.

i become fatalistic at times. altho i would rather not accept fatalism and all that pre-determined stuff. there's this tinge of hope that comes from the believe that you can fight for your own future. maybe that tinge of hope is something i cant let go off, something i stubbornly imagine exists so that i have a purpose and a direction still, in this life. something would change. hope would bring that change, but perhaps hope doesnt blindly intervene in fate. wait for your moment, if it comes. miss it, then so be it.

Zhengyu wrote at 8:26 PM.