Friday, February 27, 2009

 

i'm majorly pissed.

seriously.

why do people only know how to point out other people's faults?

why do i hang around with people like this who rather point fingers than help?

seriously.

Zhengyu wrote at 2:13 AM.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

 

10.30am.

supposed to be meeting ken jiun to go through his solo portion, but he hasnt appeared. after all he did sms me at 4am, while i was happily sleeping. maybe he wun wake up in time after all.

i forgot to off the heater yesterday, i hope nothing exploded. was supposed to go back to switch it off between workshop and actual prac, but in the end i forgot all about it.

i found a blood coagulation thingy on my thigh. i think that's the main reason it has been hurting. reconsidering whether i should go down for wushu today since i have such a weird injury.

about time to change phone. i think you wouldnt accept it anyway if i had asked, so i'm just going to go ahead. but the singtel shop website is down so i cant quite look thru the catalogue at the moment. not like i have time to go home and do the administrative paperworks anyway.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:29 AM.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

 

sigh.

shu hui asked me about what i felt guilty about. i didnt tell her. of course i feel guilty. but with every moment, every reminder, i feel more tempted to hide it all. and i hope you'll never see the other side of me.

and in the end i am still not giving you your chance to speak.

Zhengyu wrote at 3:15 AM.

Monday, February 23, 2009

 

i had a relatively long talk with kan foong yesterday about humans being social creatures. it's relatively long because i only recently got to know kan foong better. even during alcazar when he was playing as the jack, i didnt know him that well. anyway he calls me sociable, i dunno whether to agree or not. after coming back to my room i sulked for about the night.

somethings have been decided, perhaps by people, even before others have a chance to make any change to it. i once thought you have done it, and now i know i am doing it. it's funny how twenty plus years olds cant sit down and talk about things anymore.

Zhengyu wrote at 8:50 AM.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

 

i dunno why i'm still in my room. supposed to have went to lab le. but i'm still here.

every morning i have the excuse of outstanding administration to extend my vacation from lab. but administration is never finishable. sigh. i am going to fear lab more and more this way

Zhengyu wrote at 11:35 AM.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

 

valentines' day. kenneth and pik wei's birthdays. a couple of us people went out to kallang leisure park for lunch. it was relatively slow to start but the people were quite nice about it. i had to leave halfway for my vday special programme of watching breakout alone (and it was fantastic. worth every cent of the $55+. plus refuel my motivation to work out the scratch and pick up hip hop heh.) and after that i went to get my shoes, finally successful. and i returned to meet up with the gang again, played a bit of arcade and then had dinner. although it was kfc, i managed to work my way thru. turned out that i had less trouble than i expected, although i still had some that i didnt know how to start at all and i didnt want to attempt. and it was a nice and cosy dinner, with ice cream dessert afterwards. thanks people for being such nice company today =)

Zhengyu wrote at 10:45 PM.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

 

curses.

i somehow can place sounds into directions. quite specifically. i did it today to a 1.5m radius. i really didnt want to have done that. it sucked. i didnt need to hear what i heard and didnt need to know that it came from there.

i want to practice. i want to hear things i want to hear, even if they are wrong, at least we can go about correcting them.

Zhengyu wrote at 5:49 PM.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

 

it's over. words alone seem to suggest that things are still the same, but beneath the surface, you'll probably never trust me again. they say trust is a difficult thing to build. i doubt i will even have a chance to attempt rebuilding it.

it's sad because i messed it up. it's also sad because there were things that i couldnt choose. it's sad because i dun see why i can't make the cut. but it doesnt matter, since being sad about it wouldnt change a thing either. that perhaps everything had been predetermined, fairly or not.

when we were dealt our hand, no one really knew what it meant in the future. it's funny how that hand has so much control over us, it's almost scary.

and then when i said, life is worth fighting for, i didnt think that there were these sort of things that we cannot change. you've shown me a whole new dimension.

Zhengyu wrote at 2:55 AM.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

 

damn seh. slept late last night (supper again. sigh. must stop this trend) woke up late for nanop so i skipped it (and tried to finish up loraine's arrangement) and then went for nanoc, only to realise somehow the lecturer never come (after 35 mins of waiting) so i spent the 35 mins writing a letter to my mortal instead. then came back, met kah hsiung and kuan siang over packed lunch and mab discussion (i was the only one eating. and they were hungry. alas) and then came back to finish up the arrangement. now revising so i can go thru with loraine later. then have to come back set up booth, and siam to reso.

last evening was equally as exciting. since i woke up at 5pm from my extended nap, it was cca unil 12.30am. wahaha. and then supper until about 3 or 4, with discussion over voice production techniques (weird hour but nvm.) and that contributed to today's lateness. i stayed up to type in the melody before giving in and sleeping the way thru until laiyi woke me up by phone call.

0_o tired again... going to nap.

Zhengyu wrote at 1:11 PM.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

 

happy post.

while i was going through my financial documents in my punggol room (i attempt to manage my own finances, with limited success.) i happen to see the collection of letters and cards from schooling times, which i store in a drawer under my bed. i read thru a couple of them and felt rather touched. you know how people tend to write nice things to others in cards (if they didnt have nice things to write they would probably not prepare a card in the first place.) the card that struck me quite a bit was the birthday card from so3k. it was really very sweet.

that reminds me that i brought a very small cushion/pillow to hall room. it's like about 10cm x 10cm kind of size, really too small to hug i must say. but it was a birthday present i received in jc, and about the only thing i would want to keep on my bed that is not too big to take up size and at least arguably huggable. my friend would probably never have imagined that it will be used as a bolster of sorts one day.

there was a time that i slept with only a pillow and nothing else on my bed. it was after army, i think i probably had not adjusted back to civilian living by then. combine that with a bed that is almost as hard as wood (in punggol) and you get like close to minimalist living. yay. you cant blame me for having thought about being a hermit or monk or priest of sorts.

Zhengyu wrote at 4:57 PM.

 

this is neither persistence nor stubborness. it's something of a different order altogether.

i dun think we have the means of fighting it. maybe it'll stay on forever until we take it to the other side. i just regret that i placed myself at a spot too far to help. maybe one day we'll come out of it victorious. or maybe by then, it doesnt mean a thing to any of us, anymore.

there's a line in the song, 为什麼失去了 还要被惩罚呢/能不能就让 悲伤全部 结束在此刻 重新开始活著. maybe there's a reason why we even need to ask ourselves this question to begin with.

someone please stop this madness. it's spreading.

Zhengyu wrote at 2:25 AM.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

 

slacking in hall. (shu hui: nope not practising either. just pure slacking.)

i'm supposed to go home to have dinner with dad, but turns out that he's going home late, so i might as well go home late too and take dinner at some comfy place along the way (read: ljs)

have been doing things and keeping myself occupied, that i havent even finished reading mei's thesis =x i havent cleaned up my room, replied to my angel nor mortal (and it's ending this week! alamak i'm so sorry.)

then while observing people, it's seems like somethings are beyond our control. internal emotions, association of things with memories, recalling of experiences and the desire, perhaps unjustified, to return the comfortable past. it's beyond us all. i think there's nothing we can do about it except that each of us could try to overcome ourselves in that matter. i couldnt actually do it (and therefore i'm in west wing now) and so i probably shouldnt demand anyone else to do it either, it wouldnt be fair.

and mei has spoken, and so has shu hui. i think they're very right. ahaha. but if our own emotions are difficult to control, what more that of others.

recently i spent a bit of time to arrange a jay chou song, just one verse and one chorus (as in it's the same song i mentioned before, except that it's finally like "done") it felt good when i was working on it. so perhaps therein lies a hint about the path ahead.

humans are very interesting ppl. we cant conquer ourselves, but we managed to figure out quite abit about nature, and even about other people. in general i dun really believe in those few who claim to be able to help others manage themselves. or maybe that's exactly how it works, we need each other to tell us where we ourselves are heading.

and i still cant whistle. it's frustrating. the range is not expanding at all... at this rate i need to consider using trumpet instead, which would need more training as well.

Zhengyu wrote at 6:30 PM.

Monday, February 02, 2009

 

and i also hate being tagged to my past.

why the hell do you care about my past. what does it matter which sch i came from? what does it matter what i have ventured into before?

i have a history that i should be proud of, but i freaking dun want to be judged based on that, even before people meet me or know me in person.

and i also dislike people who wear their glorious history all over themselves.

i'm freaking difficult to handle, btw.

Zhengyu wrote at 2:35 AM.

 

pissed off again.

tmd this doesnt get anywhere. i'm just going to be coming back again and again to vent.

i care. and i dun see why not. there are things i can do and things that i cant. sad to say, there's alot of things that i can see should be done and those things are in my power. maybe i know too much, and maybe i pull magic until these things are no longer a challenge to me.

there's a reason why i like magicians. they do magic. magic is defined by things that ppl think cannot be done. we try to do these things. i get a kick out of it. maybe i'm too pissed with ppl that i need to prove them wrong. maybe i'm too pissed with people that i want to care enough to make up for their lack of care.

if i say i live for people, maybe i should say i live because i want to show these people what they are so wrong about.

damn it i'm pissed.

Zhengyu wrote at 2:25 AM.