Sunday, May 31, 2009

 

about two days have passed since the incident. i'm thinking, we have elections, bonding, clubroom transition, september concert and all things i owe cac main comm to worry about. we have testimonials to do. i have no mood to do anything. scores to learn.

kp says he'll be in the jcrc room tonight. i'll go there to see if i can get anything done.

it's just quite laughable when you look back.

Zhengyu wrote at 8:11 PM.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

 

helped yen-ling moved some of her stuff into her new apartment today, and had dinner with her, dawn and a senior whom i have never met before (mainly because i was non-existent in hall in year one)

did the bottle of hooch in last night but it didnt really get me drunk, nor give me a hangover. i went for the workshop today perfectly normal.

on the way home from yen-ling (et al)'s place, i had inspiration for the arrangement project. that i would take that song which i couldnt stand, and rewrite it for more angst, still basing on a male lead, taking many ideas from previous mayday songs. and then it sort of ran into an idea of medleying various songs, mostly mayday, with the same theme (basically my current mood), this time taking inspiration from boulevard of broken songs, and calin's treatment of it.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:49 PM.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

 

went out with zhiwei and waikit today.

jiahui isnt around, if not i'll probably try to pull her out again. i dunno how i can be so open about the entire business with everyone else except one, and still pretend to be ok. no it's actually not ok. not after you have given yourself away slowly piece by piece and hoped so hard that at the other end you will be pieced together again. not after doing all that and still meant nothing compared to a bugger that you have despised all this while and yet he still is more important than you. not when you finally understand how it does not matter who you are or what you do or what you can ever become, there's just no space here for you.

and as time goes by, you see so many other things, hear people talk about others fondly, and you cannot understand what you have done wrong. what is wrong. and the competitive side of me is just screaming what the hell have i not done or done wrong that i can never even get in through the door. that bit of me just 不服气. i wouldnt have minded if you had took that other chance and moved on. but this one, this one just doesnt deserve it and it just makes me so mad.

Zhengyu wrote at 1:32 AM.

Monday, May 25, 2009

 

days are passing by aimlessly. i have work outstanding in many pockets but i lack motivation to do them. it's some sort of it's not my business anymore syndrome.

i have been actively spending money and meeting friends, doing things that i have wished to do and that have no productivity whatsoever, which was why they never came into my todo lists.

still some responsibilities cling on. some that is normal and some i apparently deserved to carry since i didnt shrug it off earlier.

some hopes linger on, of which i guess whatever remains has been extinguished this very afternoon. so in a way i can go home le but waikit is back so that's a good enough reason to continue lingering here.

there's really nothing left this time.

Zhengyu wrote at 2:27 PM.

Monday, May 18, 2009

 

how would you be supportive towards a person? i dun think it occurs naturally or by default. probably by doing nothing you will also not be offering any support effectively. or maybe there are ways i dun see.

i would like to be supportive towards your clause, but i have no idea how to show that support. i would like to encourage you, but i dun think you would appreciate hearing that sort of thing from me. (break to grab noodles from microwave) so right now all i do is to stay away. maybe when there's a good enough reason to talk i would initiate something. but generally i am not the type that lets people put up with me. if it's the case, i will just have to make sure you dun have to do that at all.

so i'm pretty much as good as a pillar somewhere in your neighbourhood. i'm nearby, i'm playing my part, but it's of no effect to you and it's not like you really bothered if my building ever existed. you never liked having to visit here anyway. you've always hated having to depend on someone else. the more i wanted to help, the worse it gets. it's just a corner that would do much better if it silently went away in a nice way, so you wouldnt have a bad mark in your friendships list. we sort of get the picture here, albeit having taken a long while to wake up the intelligence ppl to get their idea right. so here i am, playing that role for you. and that's the best form of support that i figure i can give and you would want.

Zhengyu wrote at 1:47 AM.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

 

my msn pm says i look back and see regrets.

why? i never understood your choice. one year ago, when you chose this path. i thought maybe you had your reasons but your couldnt share. maybe there were many more dangers in the path i was looking at, but we will never know because we didnt take it. i still think it would have been a better choice. maybe you were asking for help when you took back your earlier words and asked that question, but i was too blind to consider. i was really very saddened by your choice that i probably didnt want to think anymore. but it wouldnt have mattered much, i was replaced more than competently.

i'm sprouting these nonsense here because of that very recent exchange of emails. complete lack of effort, care, thought, pride, professionalism, and i have run out of synonyms. i'm sad. et says i shouldnt care anymore, it's not in my field to care.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:31 AM.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

 

wednesday.

originally i tot maybe i'll ask the two guys out to have ice cream. but i guess not, i'm pretty screwed up at the moment and yet no mood to study. i bought a jigsaw puzzle tho. it's supposed to drive me crazy quickly (what a fast and relatively cheap alternative) and it's pretty petite. it apparently fits on my desktop calender/writing rest! so convenient. i dun really like the picture that much tho, it's nice but not something that strikes a chord in me exactly. but i'm interested in the bigger ones, some are super pretty. anyhows, i tot i'd try this guy out first, if i can complete this small puzzle maybe that means i can move on to the bigger and tougher ones.

and i completed two kakuro puzzles since last night. puzzle craze revival. time to also grab a MG gundam.

so much for trying to solve life's mysteries.

Zhengyu wrote at 1:35 PM.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

 

today's word is ownage.

it's 3am and i'm still awake because i played like many many hours of zomg. it's quite cute but i really dunno why i'm wasting all this time away, esp in this period when exams are coming. and, i'm supposed to meet ET at 7.30am today. shit. that means i have like 3 hours to sleep. i am so totally owned.

i think i also owned and got owned by nanochemistry paper. i dun often provide two solutions to the question, one at face value and one "for more meaningful interpretation of the question". and then right at the end panic, changed the contact angles statements and ended up screwing it off instead. argh. tmd. if only i thought more clearly or just were too slow to change haha. ah well.

and then how the heck am i going to study for nanophysics if i'm spending tmr at vch sleeping! so totally owned.

Zhengyu wrote at 3:09 AM.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

 

got too much time on the train on might as well type some thoughts.

it's 2.03pm, the AWARE EGM should have started by now, or possibly got delayed because of overwhelming registration numbers. mei is there, so i get first hand reports XD

the EGM represents something very personal for me, because it reminds me of what I have been through before. we chose to keep quiet and not challenge the opposition. our silent resistance resulted in a year of silent suffering. but it might not have been for the worst.

looking back, i feel that such challenges mean something in particular. we fight because we have a cause that we believe in, and that it has been challenged and therefore we stand up against this challenge. when two camps stand against each other, we ask that it be only in the discussion over this matter and nothing else. when religion was pulled in, it got complicated. i would like to ignore it as much as i can because the new dimension opens possibilities that i probably cannot finish discussing.

what has happened, exactly? an established organisation has been challenged in its doings and believes. nevermind that the method of challenge is less than desirable, i think that much everyone can agree on. but what is left now? AWARE once stood for representing women's rights. that was why, the old guards explain, that they need to be in acceptance of all believes and thoughts. so that all women can be represented.

now the line has been drawn. this old AWARE will probably never be able to fulfill this role in the christian portion of the targeted women. because they have been accused of being against the christian belief, and i dun imagine any religious woman might still go to such an organisation, no matter what the problem may be. so what happens to christian women? in the spirit of AWARE perhaps another organisation can be set up for them. or perhaps a new organisation altogether can be formed to cover the whole population, this time more careful not to become "anti-anybody at all".

does that solve our problems? i think not. sooner or later conflicts are going to come again. if there are two versions of AWARE, they will sooner or later have to cross paths, for example the wife is christian but not the husband and thus the daughter follows the father's religion. complications arise. if there was only one, the same people will come back to debate what exactly are its stand on homosexuality and its education to the youths. what we have lost, and perhaps merely come to realise that we lack, is true understanding of others.

in school, someone once pointed out that singapore works, and it is a practical choice, towards tolerance between religions and races. this is in contrast to understanding. we tolerate each other without necessarily understanding. we know, all this while, that christians have this belief, or for that matter, some group has some particular teachings/beliefs/practises,. we do not do anything against them. that is true tolerance. we might not like them, we might not appreciate their doings, but we keep quiet.

there comes a time when someone incites that this tolerance is not right and we must stand up for our beliefs. it happens sooner or later., even i have tried this sort of thing before. even if you condemn all such persons, think what kind of peace could that be if it just takes one person to break it. what we have built up is but a mirage of peace, waiting to be shattered on that one fateful day.

the AWARE saga has showed something that we need to learn. tolerance is not enough. true acceptance is necessary, and difficult. this will always remain a challenge unless we form a new singaporean race and religion and encompasses all, and somehow make everyone accept it. has the new guards really done wrong? has it really harmed our society per se? i dunno. i am inclined to say no, they have merely highlighted a blindingly obvious flaw in our society, albeit not in the kindest or most gentle way imaginable. but perhaps it might be painful enough to make everyone learn a lesson. i doubt it though. we seem to care too little to learn lessons these days.




qing gong

the first line of this song once resonated something in my heart. i used to think that young ones should dare to live the life they dream of, without hurting anyone along the way that is. technically i still do believe in that, but perhaps i have come to consider myself too old to be that adventurous. too tired, for the first time. too disinterested.

disinterested! have i ever been as such. i remember being really hopeful, with those romantic dreams. year after year, encounter after encounter. yet i was still hopeful even at 24. perhaps the most recent one really took everything that remained. as much as i trusted people, i start to think i shouldnt. as much as i loved life, i thought of sacrificing one for the other. all these are not your innocent romantic thoughts. all these are very practical methods of handling the reality out there that of course did not agree with my hopes. it never did. or i would not have been typing this entry. maybe one day it will agree better, but i dunno how i'll be viewing life by then. or maybe we'll stop dreaming altogether.

i am also being tested in my committee. how do you get people to work together? to really put their differences aside and work for a common goal. to really communicate to each other without offending each other. i perhaps asked or emphasised too much on results, and so are subconsciously hard going on the less productive. maybe i should think about how much thought processes they direct towards this committee. if you give wholeheartedly, then that should be good, even if your wholeheartedness is objectively not able to effect anything. you have, so to say, done your equivalent. handling people fighting each other tires me out so much. and i myself should be less judgemental. this disagreement between mind and emotion is not something worth going through, so why dun i just come to an agreement with myself,. and then try to get people to agree with each other.

time to go, reaching station le. 2.38pm.

Zhengyu wrote at 5:06 PM.

 

700th post.

after all these years of talking about being in the education service, i still havent looked thru my plans objectively. it's very nice and ideal still, this concept. but i am not the kind of person who knows how to guide but not spoonfeed. and there are alot of other things that i have not serious given thought to. it's just "i think i would like to teach" for starters we need to settle some decisions soon. matter of time.

and now to get ready for bed.

Zhengyu wrote at 12:04 AM.