Monday, August 30, 2010

 

the frequency of blogs is inversely related to general mood and stuff like that. we are at the stage of looking over our shoulder and wonder, what was it that kept things together for that short few months? on hindsight, it is rather difficult to imagine. i recall frequent meetings. those were arguably not feasible. look at now. we are going to run into excess of two weeks. maybe 3. i lost count. it doesnt matter anyway, we don't have a dying need to meet. I don't. I suppose you don't either. it's a bit like the frequency of me going home when i stayed in hall. a little of it.

and the previous topic of priorities. well. it doesnt seem so possible now on hindsight, does it? i dun really what i did. i suppose it was both ways, we probably both gave more than we were prepared for. and it couldnt last. or it just didnt, somehow. maybe i can blame the course. maybe i should blame my burnt weekends. maybe. pointing everywhere else but myself. does it really change anything when i can put the blame in someone else's court? no. not really. it didnt work, and that's all that really matters. maybe it's relief. i wonder. and at the same time i don't know what i am holding on to, in everything i do. why do i sing so much. why do i not stay home? why do i buy a game excitedly and leave it on the table for weeks in a row? why do i not remember having dinner with family? what have i sacrificed, and what are they for? my lecturer talked about work life balance, that we should be careful not to cross the line. am i there yet? or is my threshold just really low?

Zhengyu wrote at 3:34 PM.

 

it's late. and i ought to be sleeping. but i feel like this question continues to bother me. why? why do i seek? what do i seek?

for the longest time i thought that it is a matter of commitment. i still do. but it is not the same for at least some people. some say it's about feelings. some say it's about learning about oneself and others. some have no idea. even now, i question if i can simply commit to anyone at all. or can i commit any more.

one side of me says let go, move on. one side of me says let go but sort things out first before moving on. the old part of me that used to say hang on and things will work out has gone for cruise vacation, and the last i heard was that he decided no one here really cared about him or remembered him, was on his way to the end of the world, when a meteor struck and sunk the entire ship. so much for suicidal tendencies. i bet he was struggling to save himself when it happened, but really there was no chance of survival when things rained down from above. it wouldnt really have mattered whether he wanted to live or not.

house jacks has a song called "after you". at a point in time, you can hear the tenor in the background, asking repeatedly "what am i, what am i, woah, after you?" well, since we are in the camp of optimist-wannabes, i ask what am i to you instead. and i don't know. because maybe it's not what it seems. because maybe then again it could be what it seems. because i know i'll probably never hear a truthful answer again.

Zhengyu wrote at 1:23 AM.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

 

post-dinner and pre-shower. asked juncai for supper today but looks like it wouldnt happen. saw a few messages on fb and i guess yes, thank you people for listening. i have not been the most emotionally stable person around, although maybe i continue to hide this well. and having someone listen and be there at this time is something i really treasure. perhaps.

perhaps like what i thought through before, i can but i need not. (albert adds, we can because we ought) you may be right on that random point from weeks ago. there's no ought here, i decide what i want or not. and maybe i decide wrong sometimes, or frequently. i ought to be more objective in meeting my own needs.

post shower activity is setting promo questions. aka creativity exercise.

Zhengyu wrote at 7:32 PM.

Friday, August 27, 2010

 

12.48am. i have been losing my temper lately. maybe i am tired, physically or emotionally. I don't really know. I sat in the living room thinking if i need to come to terms with things. no i don't suppose that is the real problem. i feel like i don't know what's going on, or what i want, or what to want. maybe in short, i'm just lost.

Zhengyu wrote at 12:48 AM.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

 

sigh. i know i said i'll think things through. but i'm not ready yet, now that the weekend has ended. i am not ready to stay nor move on. i hope i won't be long. i think i am looking for something, desperately. and now i wonder if i can see if i really need it. for now yes, but mostly because i have been looking for it in vain for years. maybe i don't need it, then now is just as fine as i need. maybe i do, but i cant be sure. but i want you to know you are already all i need, except that last part which i cannot decide.

Zhengyu wrote at 11:57 PM.

Friday, August 20, 2010

 

my background is in science education. it is then very strange that, despite repeated observation of the same trend, I have not regarded the outcomes with enough seriousness to see that perhaps this is simply the way things are.

i would like to be strong though, for the nth time. then again, that has not worked out either. but something in me says neither should i give in to the lame excuse to not fight the fight.

the only regret will be what your ideas of what romance constitutes.

Zhengyu wrote at 6:50 AM.

 

you are the closest i have ever had to a lover. the only hiccup in between, is that you do not agree with me that this is love.

Zhengyu wrote at 12:58 AM.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

 

i think i need some kind of certainty. to be more precise, i think i need to know a black or white. you do or you don't. that kind of in between answer frustrates me in the sense that i keep thinking i have a chance when i probably do not at all. but i don't think it's anyone else's fault. it's really how i react to people.

i think if we listen close enough we should be able to pick up the signs. yes maybe it might work, but not now, and not in the near future. summary: it would work in your next life. but then really, how do i respond? do i take it in the optimistic way and think that i can do something to catalyse that process? at times like this i am ironically optimistic, almost as if that was the one cruel joke, to make a pessimist optimistic at that exact point that he should not be. why cant i just see it as it is, yes nothing is impossible, but this is not happening. stop imagine it is, or it will. it is what it is, which is nothing at the moment. whether it will spontaneously be found dead like the cat is an entirely different sack of problems to tackle.

just take it for what it is, treasure it for what it is, and stop expecting things to change. stop, for example, thinking that your problem students are turning back. stop all that hallucination. if it is happening, then good, acknowledge it. but do not think things will happen merely because you can dream of them that way. i believe i can see possibilities, beyond the human and mechanical side of things. i see too many possibilities, and i am too optimistic in them. ironic. but then, that might be related to my profession.

Zhengyu wrote at 12:00 AM.

Monday, August 16, 2010

 

I once complained about my friend. She had been a very good friend, but the one thing she did not know how to handle was rejecting a guy. and it was handled very badly. she was not interested but she could not put it across firmly. this resulted in a big traumatic period for me at least, if not both of us.

When I looked back and around me, i realised she may not have been the only one. perhaps it is just a common problem, perhaps it takes the brave few to say it straight and clear. no, i am only interested in you as a friend, nothing more than that. some do say it, but cant bear to sustain it in action (nice syndrome. people dun seem to like not being nice to people that are nice. which is a very real problem). some never say it at all.

and as much as this is not a science topic, it does feel like having zero gravity.

then perhaps i no longer know where not to stand. or, since we're all suspended in mid air, can i even remember how to stand.

there are times that i wonder if i am really really listening wholeheartedly. because when i looked back at things i start to wonder many things that were possible but they never came across me when I was listening. or am I just tremendously bad at multitasking, or thinking and processing while conversing?

Zhengyu wrote at 6:37 AM.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

 

yog opening ceremony. i came back from another saturday. saturdays now mean going to school in the morning from 9 to 1 to spend time with students revising, then going for choir prac 2 to 5. 1 to 2pm is for packing, cabbing, and grabbing lunch. saturdays mean brain burnt doing work in the classroom (i sent out weekly agendas today) and then burning it again at practice (the whole choir was very lethargic after practice. we blame it on the things to think about while singing)

Saturdays however also mean finishing relatively early. I reached home at 7.05 exactly, i remember glancing at my watch, and thinking, wow i have some time to do my arrangement. sadly i got distracted and wasted my energy on other rubbish instead of doing the arrangement itself. but still, it was comforting to be home early. maybe as a contrast to the last two days of work when i left the office late, got home in time to shower, eat, sleep. in between was waiting for messages and calls, but honestly i am starting to think it's really ok. two days ago i was thinking neglected. now i think it doesnt matter, at least you get to concentrate and get things done. it's good. and we're trying to arrange for some time aside from work. i should in the meanwhile just be happy that at least you're getting more efficient.

but your planning is still a major fail. try to improve ok?

Zhengyu wrote at 10:04 PM.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

 

being devoured slowly by some kind of craze. some say, don't think about it. some say, do something about it. one says, you are just being stupid. i dunno. maybe in time i will come to agree. that really there isnt anything to worry about.

what does it mean? maybe. gone is the period when everything meant everything. were you ever looking for the right thing anyway? maybe i wasnt. but of course i thought i was. or maybe i was right. but it's a bit hard to tell now.

he said alot of things. i couldnt appreciate them because i simply had other things on my mind. now it was a strict subset and it still is, apparently. do you see where it's going? into the flames, perhaps. spontaneous ignition was always something i fancied about. the temperment, coupled with the idea that i need to wait, and mixed in with generous amounts of delusionment. of course. i've always had a tendency of waiting more than i could bare, only to explode into raining bits of blood and anger.

no. things are more still this time. acceptance may actually be real. too real. so real is it that maybe i am just lost between the two realities. have i crossed over? but everything feels equally real as they were, and as i can picture them to be. maybe beneath all this calmity, the undercurrents have already swept me away.

yet the option is there. i just need to take the first step out. don't look back in anger.

Zhengyu wrote at 7:28 PM.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

 

i came here because i thought i could find something to write. while waiting for replies from people.

life maybe doesnt work that way. ironic as it is, i am now going to write about how i should not come here hoping to find inspiration to write. because i don't believe in sudden urges in getting things done. i believe rather, that people need certain beliefs as well (circular argument. don't bother faulting, i know it's flawed) beliefs that you can always come back to, or at least do so until something unsettles that belief. this anchor holds me steady when i am emo/lost/delusioned/etc. and although it may really be nothing i thought it to be, it at least helps me to recover and examine my life, and think whether i am screwing them up all over again or i need to do something somewhere, or there simply is nothing that can be done.

once in a while i find my fundamental beliefs to be rocky. once in a while i find that there is nothing that i can change. i used to have this phrase on msn, that life is worth fighting for, every bit of it. but after a while then i met things that i thought and thought and simply saw no way of fighting for it. that's it, ball's not in my court. sure, why don't i look for things i can do? but honestly, i don't know where to start, and i really don't see it. what will any of my actions change? maybe they have an impact, but i don't know what to do. maybe they don't and i should simply hope for something outside of my sphere to change, on its own. i dunno which, but experimentations so far are directing towards a blood puking exercise.

i tend to digress alot. even when i blog to myself. i guess i can only conclude that i don't go into something hoping things will happen. i try to make them happen. until the point where i cannot see any more steps, then it's time to pray. but at least i know i have done my part, until further enlightenment is bestowed upon me.

Zhengyu wrote at 8:44 PM.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

 

had awfully chocolate and peranakan food for weiming's farewell. alas. taiwan is a beautiful place. he will be gone for two years.

am fighting internally to write relax. not too successful. the motifs do weave together quite well but my brain is not processing enough to pick out what is important.

Zhengyu wrote at 10:45 PM.

 

12am. i actually am aiming to wake up early tomorrow for work. that's another point for another day. i'm stoning online. more or less just waiting until i feel like going to bed.

the whole plan to use gchat is sort of not working. i am not sure why, but it's probably rather inconvenient to keep the app open. or maybe it doesnt alert well enough when new messages come in. i know mine is a bit like that, it doesnt sound because the window is open. instead it just vibrates. which i do not understand. you can vibrate but you refuse to sound?

Zhengyu wrote at 12:00 AM.