Wednesday, August 11, 2010

 

i came here because i thought i could find something to write. while waiting for replies from people.

life maybe doesnt work that way. ironic as it is, i am now going to write about how i should not come here hoping to find inspiration to write. because i don't believe in sudden urges in getting things done. i believe rather, that people need certain beliefs as well (circular argument. don't bother faulting, i know it's flawed) beliefs that you can always come back to, or at least do so until something unsettles that belief. this anchor holds me steady when i am emo/lost/delusioned/etc. and although it may really be nothing i thought it to be, it at least helps me to recover and examine my life, and think whether i am screwing them up all over again or i need to do something somewhere, or there simply is nothing that can be done.

once in a while i find my fundamental beliefs to be rocky. once in a while i find that there is nothing that i can change. i used to have this phrase on msn, that life is worth fighting for, every bit of it. but after a while then i met things that i thought and thought and simply saw no way of fighting for it. that's it, ball's not in my court. sure, why don't i look for things i can do? but honestly, i don't know where to start, and i really don't see it. what will any of my actions change? maybe they have an impact, but i don't know what to do. maybe they don't and i should simply hope for something outside of my sphere to change, on its own. i dunno which, but experimentations so far are directing towards a blood puking exercise.

i tend to digress alot. even when i blog to myself. i guess i can only conclude that i don't go into something hoping things will happen. i try to make them happen. until the point where i cannot see any more steps, then it's time to pray. but at least i know i have done my part, until further enlightenment is bestowed upon me.

Zhengyu wrote at 8:44 PM.