Monday, August 30, 2010

 

it's late. and i ought to be sleeping. but i feel like this question continues to bother me. why? why do i seek? what do i seek?

for the longest time i thought that it is a matter of commitment. i still do. but it is not the same for at least some people. some say it's about feelings. some say it's about learning about oneself and others. some have no idea. even now, i question if i can simply commit to anyone at all. or can i commit any more.

one side of me says let go, move on. one side of me says let go but sort things out first before moving on. the old part of me that used to say hang on and things will work out has gone for cruise vacation, and the last i heard was that he decided no one here really cared about him or remembered him, was on his way to the end of the world, when a meteor struck and sunk the entire ship. so much for suicidal tendencies. i bet he was struggling to save himself when it happened, but really there was no chance of survival when things rained down from above. it wouldnt really have mattered whether he wanted to live or not.

house jacks has a song called "after you". at a point in time, you can hear the tenor in the background, asking repeatedly "what am i, what am i, woah, after you?" well, since we are in the camp of optimist-wannabes, i ask what am i to you instead. and i don't know. because maybe it's not what it seems. because maybe then again it could be what it seems. because i know i'll probably never hear a truthful answer again.

Zhengyu wrote at 1:23 AM.